10 Years

The last ten years have been a challenge. I have lived through to loss and grief of my mom, of losing jobs, and of friendships. Maybe in some way that was preparing me for 2020 without me even realizing this. I always felt as if I was running and never slowing down for one second. When I was working I would be going 100 miles and hour and never slowing down. Whatever I was feeling I would bury and not let anyone around me really in. I would never let myself actually feel anything too deep. I can't tell you how many times I would tell myself let it out or find a therapist. Talk to friends and family, but as one to never ask for help, it wasn't in my nature. 

Like everyone else, here we are in 2020 and now everyone is facing the unknown. We are all weathering the same storm (The 2020 Pandemic) however we are all in different boats. Once I became furloughed in May of 2020, yes I worked through April, it was time to quarantine and actually sit with my feelings. All from the past ten years. Grief, Anger, Resentment, Comparison, Guilt, and so much more. One night I finally just snapped "Out Of It" not even sure what "It" was but reached out to a few therapists and finally found one I clicked with. 

Our first session she asked me to tell her everything I accomplished in the past ten years and you know what I told her three things: 

1) I ran away to NYC

2) I ran away to Florida

3) I ran home to NJ

Little did I know, that I wasn't running, I was LIVING my life. All along I thought I was running from something, but I didn't know what. In reality I was never running, I was making a conscious decision just to live my life, outside society's norm. It was that conversation that made me really dig deep about the past ten years and how I needed to move forward. 

Here is a timeline of the past ten years. 

2010

In January I would go on Birthright- A free 10 day trip to Israel with 40 complete strangers only for a handful to become lifelong friends. 

My mother lost her battle with cancer in June.

Moved to my own studio apartment in NYC in September

Worked for event management company until leaving in 2011.

2011

Worked for Electronics Retailer in NYC from 2011- 2013. Managed teams with employees that were double my age and learned quickly that if I was going to make it I needed thicker skin and to really grow up and listen to those who knew more than I did. 

2013

In April of 2013 I would take my first solo trip to San Francisco for my birthday weekend. I would visit family and head to Napa as well. I would run for Man & Woman of the Year a 10-week fundraising campaign for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Here is a video from that campaign. Decided to leave that job in June took the summer to re-evaluate and move my grandmother from Florida to New Jersey. Ironically it was in Florida that I found a job that I would come to love. I would move to Florida in Sept of 2013. I would live with family before finding my own place. I would go on to make a lifelong friendship with a colleague. I was blessed to have a friend down in the area who would go on to introduce me to his friends so I would feel less alone during this time. 

2014

Would travel to Chicago with my friend from work to support her in her marathon debut for the Chicago Marathon. November I would be laid-off due to budget restraints especially in a nonprofit. Having the choice to stay or move home, I decided to come back to NJ where I would be back on the job hunt. 

2015-2016

January I would land a retail job at the Gap and for the next two years live at home while working retail. I wouldn't say this was the happiest of times, but I had a stable job, a regular income, and I was surrounded by amazing family. I would be in two different locations during this time as well. I would rarely hang out with friends. 

2017 

I would take an international trip to Spain for my 30th birthday with my aunt. I would decide to start a travel/food blog during this time. 

I would close my first retail store and be back in the job market once again. Looking to use my college degree in Hospitality Management I would find a position at Marriott in NYC in December. 

2018-2019

I would take solo road trips:

Hudson, NY

The Berkshires

Massachusetts

Maine

Commuting from home to NYC daily became my routine. I was saving some money at the time. This would continue through 2019 and 2020 until the pandemic hit. 

2020

I would work through the end of April and then quarantine with the rest of the country. Here we are five months later, and still so much unknown. However this is not the first time, I would face the unknown with so much uncertainty.

When I look back on the past ten years I have accomplished so much more than I believed. I have traveled alone and with family, moved multiple times, built lasting friendships, and put myself out there in situations that felt uncomfortable. This too shall pass, and when it does, I will add this as another chapter in the book of life. 

Mentally I am in a better place than I have been in the past ten years, in thanks to my therapist, the hard conversations I've had with myself as well as with loved ones and letting go of the expectations I was placing on myself. No one knows where will be in the next few months or maybe even in the next year, but I am confident, that moving forward is the best thing. I am breaking the weight I have carried for so long both physically and mentally. 

I don't have to justify anything to anyone other than myself. Whatever you are going through, know you are not alone. We all are going through this and remember you can find joy wherever and whenever you choose to see it. 

XoXo,

Tracy